Tuesday, 9 February 2021

The snowball effect

I have been feeling SO low this past week, without no particular or immediate reason. Just feels like I'm spiraling slowly into a big black hole, the tears have been many.
It's hard to describe these feelings to people who are not in a similar situation, or even to yourself sometimes. But today I managed to put words to all my feelings in a conversation with a friend, and I thought I'd share them with you.

I've written about this "Coronacoaster" before, and maybe it is because my social feeds are currently full of snowy landscapes from back home, but this time I want to paint a picture of the feelings being like a snowball.

You see, there is not a lot that makes me feel happy at the moment. I do try, and I do my best to cheer myself up, but even that becomes tiring after nearly a year of this isolated, still-standing life.
Sure, I am grateful we can still do sport, to play padel twice a week is a real highlight for me. The other daily exercise I do is more of a necessity to keep some sort of sanity, rather than something that brings me joy. Other than that, unless I plan to catch up with friends (which doesn't happen near as much as I would like), there is not much else going on, and there is certainly no way you can dream and plan about things in the future, as nobody knows how it will look like.
So there aren't really enough positives to weigh up all the negatives at the moment. Instead my mood is turning increasingly bad by the day, which is not making it any easier to "look on the bright side".

So where does the snowball come in?
I look at it this way: all those bad things - could be any negative news, annoying things the family does, the continuous changes in restrictions, worries about the kids, the Groundhog Day feeling, stupid posts in my feeds and so on, it doesn't stop. Each thing on their own is actually rather small, and mostly nothing to be upset about. But, when they accumulate it's like a snowball rolling down a hill, growing bigger and bigger by adding issue after issue after issue to it; and the irritation, sadness and anger finally just takes over.
That's about where I am at the moment, dealing with this huge snowball of negativity, which just seems to keep rolling and keep growing. It's consuming my whole being.

I know I'm not alone in this, which in a way makes it all even more depressing. It's tough times for so many. I can't wait until this Covid-nightmare ends, but at the same time I wonder what will be left of me by then.

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