So, does the house feel empty now?

I have had this question many times since we got back from the summer holiday and left Lucas behind at Uni, "Does it feel empty in the house now?". A question that takes more than a 'yes' and a 'no' to answer, and also something that is harder to talk about some days than others, depending on mood.

Of course, there is a different atmosphere in our house, since we are missing a piece of our family in our daily life. It's a different constellation of people now.
But - at the same time, is the house emptier? Not really. Even when Lucas was here, he was at school all day, or he spent his time in his room studying (or playing PS5) or hanging out with his friends. Since he took his drivers license he was also more independent. Sure, there was more laundry then, ha ha, and one more person to feed at dinner, but the house is equally empty now as then.

On the other hand, there are many, many other things I'm struggling with, having "lost" my first child.
I'm struggling with how fast time went, it seems like just the other day he was bawling his eyes out every morning I left him at school, and had to be pulled from my arms by his teacher - just to be perfectly fine as I turned the building and secretly watched him through the window...
I guess I feel a bit cheated of the past two years as well, of all that we "missed" because of Covid. Those years just happened, without really happening. I feel like we missed out on those last experiences we were supposed to have together, the last family trips, the last things I wanted to show him; as we couldn't travel as we had planned.

I'm struggling with closing the chapter on his childhood. Did we do enough? Did we equip him properly for the big, bad world? Did we manage to bring up a decent human being? Have we made it clear that we will continue to love and support him no matter what he does or where he goes, does he know?

He seems to be living his best life, his Uni-course is going well, he has made friends in school, he has got himself a job on the side; and it works well where he is living. Our friends back home who have caught up with him tells us what a lovely young man he has become, and it warms our heart. He has truly spread his wings, and he is soaring - and we couldn't be prouder.

He has also been traveling a little bit. First he went up to Skara to see Mormor and Morfar over a long weekend, which of course made me really happy. He planned it all himself, and it made me so happy, that they got that time together, without the rest of us.

Another weekend he was invited by Thomas to join him and his kids for a weekend on Bornholm. I have never been to Bornholm, but would love to go so I was so happy for him!
He sent us really nice photos over the weekend, of all the adventures they were up to, trekking, sightseeing, nice dinners, watching the sunset on the beach.

But I got the most happy to receive these kind of texts:

Not only does he know what makes his Mamma happy, but he was actually taking in the sights and their information, showing an interest. I must have done something right all these years, trying to get the kids a bit culturally interested. That's my boy! ♥︎

So even though sometimes it just feels like he is still here just hiding in his room, of course it's empty without him, and I miss him like crazy. Every age of him in fact, I can't believe I have a grown up kid!
But, this is life, and while I try to navigate this next chapter of my life a bit on wobbly legs, I am so glad that he is thriving in his.